The Southern Comfort: Blonde hair, blue eyes, that’s about it.
The City Slicker: Ambiguous ethnicity in a Shark in the original production of West Side Story kind of way. He’s appropriate until he touches your butt.
The Say Anything: Holds up a sign that says “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I AM SO NERVOUS.” on a sheet of looseleaf. His bros at home fist bump and shout “Booya!”
The Pearl Jam: The Samson of the dating world, his only power is in his long dark hair which he pushes behind his ears so frequently you’re not sure how his fingers don’t blister.
The Goofball: He dresses up as your grandma! He loves potty humor! He gets too drunk at parties and embarrasses you in front of your friends!
The Too Much Too Soon: This large ostrich egg symbolizes our delicate yet boundless love.
The JFK: He flies in on a helicopter. Later we will see him on a white horse. He is the bane of the other contestants’ existence and will spend the rest of his life rationalizing everything with the mantra “They’re just jealous.”
The Shouter: Jazz Hands. He says “Alright!” a lot, like when Austin Powers has difficulty controlling the volume of his voice.
The Single Dad: He loves his son more than most things but less than being on national television with a surgically enhanced you.
The Danielle Steel: His name is Alejandro. He exclusively speaks Spanish, loves warm baths and rose petals, and hopes that you do too.
The Jersey Shore: Spiked hair, boom box, and a business card that reads “Dancer-Slash-MC X-TRORDINARE.”
The One Liner: “The name is charming. Prince Charming.” “I’m a high school biology teacher but I’m here to see if we have chemistry.” “Have you ever been to Sandals Resort & Spa because JA MAKIN ME CRAZY!”